off topic

I'm going off topic because I'm thoroughly confused. I feel like screaming HELPPPPP

Not going to get too personal here, but do you ever feel like throwing in the towel? Ok that's rhetorical. I yelled out earlier that I just wanted to lay under my blanket and die. That's not like me. I'm weaning from a medication...well no I'm weaning off two, thanks to changes in our health insurance, and it's been making me feel sick and crabby. I've been trudging along with 3.25 miles done on the treadmill and 10 minutes cooking in the tube(turbo tanning for my light therapy), It's working too well now though because I cannot sleep. Without the light therapy, I would just sleep all of the time.

So the last few months have been a roller coaster. Sometimes I find myself wanting to revert back to old ways. Like when I was a lot younger. I can't go back there though because I'm different..newly created in Jesus. A few minutes ago I listened to a song I used to dance to at the club. I laughed but I was not sure whether to keep on laughing or start crying. It was a song about cocaine. I never got into that stuff because I knew I could easily get addicted. To me the song was a funny song and I liked to listen to it because it made me flirt with someone I liked(mouthing flirtatious song lyrics at him while looking at him). Then I played the Electric Slide because I recently watched 13 going on 30. My son asked me if I ever did the Thriller Michael Jackson dance like they did in the movie, since I'm in my
30's. I told him no but when we danced at the club, my friends and I did the Electric Slide and it reminded me of the moves. We were in unison just like the dancers in the movie. My best memories of those nights at the club was that dance. I didn't drink at the club, nor really like to pick men up, I just liked to dance. My friend's mother kept tabs on us so we stayed out of trouble. No I can't go back there. I shouldn't want to. I wasn't walking with Jesus back then. I'm just upset over something going on spiritually and I'm vulnerable to spiritual attack. I try not to look back unless it involves a stepping stone with Jesus. I have to remind myself....remember Lot's wife. I also have to remind myself that I am not 18 anymore.